Among other things

Finally.

My exams are over. I'm supposed to be celebrating this joyous occasion, at least until the results come out. However, there are a few things bothering me at the moment.

1. My academic exercises.

Itulah, gatal sangat pergi buat dua latihan ilmiah. Yes, now I'm stuck with the problem of finishing two academic exercises. Two VERY difficult academic exercises. Let's start with history. Why, oh, why, do we have to go to the archives to do our research? Isn't the main library, or even Zaaba, enough anymore? Forgive my views, but that place is a death trap. I mean death by boredom. Seriously. The moment I get into that place, it feels that God Himself has abandoned the place to some demon that would kill you with boredom and depression. Trust me. I'm a history student who has been to the law library. I know what it means to be bored.
And East Asian studies. Tajuk pun tak ada lagi. What am I supposed to do for my academic exercise? A literary study of the Kojiki or Nihon Shoki? On Japanese culture in Malaysia? Definitely not the Look East policy. Everyone's done that. -_-"

2. Debates

Bangkok is particularly important to me. Ever since I wasn't chosen to go to Worlds in my first year, I have been trying hard to prove that I deserve to compete in an international competition of stature. Only in my third year (would be my final one if I hadn't extended my studies with that double major) do I get the chance to compete. I have nightmares, worry that for some diabolical reason, God forbid, they cancelled this trip to Bangkok and I end up a debate novice when I graduate, despite my loyalty, effort and perseverance.
I'm reading about every debate topic they could come up with under the sun (or at least covered by the NST. Sorrylah, Star people). The only thing now is to use these facts for argumentation reasons. I would have faced difficulty if not for Fikri Jr. with his extensive researches and opinions about it. Have to thank him after this. See? Who says BN and PR people can't work together? :D
Don't know who they're going to team me up with. Rebecca, Hugh, Tharish, Lavania, Shih Han, Jira...ah, I'll just wait for tomorrow to find out. Meanwhile, I have to go through the stack of newspapers tonight and prepare my fact and argument files. I'm sure that Hannah Tan picture is somewhere in there.

3. ... ... ... ...

You know what? I don't think I'll put that on my page. I'll just keep that to myself.

Faith.

A good friend of mine, Kee Aun, posted on Facebook early this morning (15th November 2009) a simple question. 'Will my faith last?'

I'm going to ask myself the same question, because lately, my faith has been challenged in more ways than one.

One, my faith in my life principles. I have always been taught the basics of good life, the principles that one man has to live by to be called good. I have tried to follow them in all their outlined incarnations (Islamic ethics, Christian morality, the Golden Rule, Karma, the code of chivalry, Bushido) as I believed something positive will come out of it. My own life principles are outlined as thus:

1-Four Deeds to offer the World (Sincerity, Courtesy, Ability and Commitment)
2-Six Factors that decide my actions (Family, Love, Knowledge, Ability, Religion, and Worldly gains)

But it's not enough, it seems, to guarantee a good and fair life. More often than not, I have seen and read how good people suffer from following the rules, and how bad people, because of money or influence, escape justice. Some people say 'life isn't fair.' But why shouldn't it be fair?

As for myself, I have experienced, in the past two weeks, people questioning my sincerity in doing anything. That is indeed troublesome. I have always offered people my sincerity in a most obvious manner. I don't care if one questions my motives, or principles, or political leanings, or methods...but to question my sincerity?

Two, my faith in my own self. I have always believed that if I have abilities and limits. I get it. One can only do so much, even when he has given his best into doing anything. But I find that in university, this is not enough. I find myself pushed to the limit about my limits. What are my social abilities? My intellectual capabilities? What can I offer? It didn't bother me before, but now, the phrase 'there's always someone better than you out there' annoy me so.

Three, my faith in romantic love. I'm not saying I don't believe in romantic love. I'm not saying that it doesn't exist. I'm saying that I'm starting to doubt whether I get to have it, or experience it.

I find myself having feelings for a good friend. And this is not the first time I experienced it. I had something similar in my first year (which ended in heartbreak and non-reciprocation). Judging from that experience, it's going to happen again. And this aspect is my greatest doubt. In other cases, my doubt always arises after I believed. In romantic love, doubt comes first, and I still have no faith that it will happen to me the way I want it (I admit, I'm using a selfish term 'want').

And the only thing I have left is my faith in my Creator, and even then, I have doubts about him. Everyday. The only good thing here is that in this case, I believe that doubting Allah actually reaffirms my faith in Him.

And family. The only rock in the stormy sea, my family has always been my source of faith. That the world is always good

I wish this works for the other aspects as well.

Talent

'Fikri, I think you have a talent and a gift.' Talent.

It is a horrendous term, and personally, I find it to be most disturbing. Seriously. I cannot understand how people could use that word in a most nonchalant manner when referring to one's achievements or efforts, without actually understanding the implication and meaning of talent.

Of all words and concepts I find unbelievable (among other things, the existence of mythical beasts, 'better-than-Kurosawa' epic films and honest lawyers), I find talent to be at the top of that list. Why so?

Firstly, it implies laziness. the very idea that one can excel at something without even trying hard or putting any effort into it is disturbing to say the least. I have always been taught my entire life that when one works hard for something, rewards shall come to him. One does not sit around and laze and expect manna and quail to descend from heaven for him and only rely on 'talent'.

I learnt this the hard way from joining debates. As disappointing as not being given the opportunity (which, unlike talent, is a legitimate idea and term) to compete in Worlds in my first year (still disappointed, as that chance may never come again), I do realise that the selection for debaters was done through observation of efforts put in and result of said efforts. And so I stayed on, and worked harder to prove to people that I am worthy of recognition and the opportunity. But the main idea is always effort. To proclaim that I got to where I am today based on the idea that I am just good at something is an insult to my efforts and hard work, and to those who observe and reward the hard work.

Secondly, it is a remnant of an elitist past, one which has no place in a democratic society today. Prior to the 20th century, people were holding on to ideas such as divine rights of kings, aristocracy, nobility, and the caste system. The first half of the 20th century was plagued by Hitler's Aryan Herrenvolk ('Master Race') belief. Basically, the idea that one's superiority and inferiority is already determined from the moment of birth by God , and is carried around like a cross through the Passion stations until death.

Talent is an extension of this way of thinking. It negates the democratic ideal that one can prove oneself in any field provided that opportunity is given, and he works hard to achieve his goal. Talent means one only needs to snap his fingers effortlessly, and people will be impressed with him, enough for him to leapfrog others who have worked harder and put in more effort.

Which is why my favourite characters in Japanese anime are always those on the side of effort rather than talent (Rock Lee is better than any other character in Naruto, Sasuke is nothing without his Sharingan).

I have always believed in this principle: one is successful because of his efforts, not because of his talent. I hope others do too.